I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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