From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
