I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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