Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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