saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
