I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You smell like stripper and shame
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
