Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
