mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
