No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
