I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
