The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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