Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
