Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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