I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
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As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
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MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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