i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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