I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
