im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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