You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
