Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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