You can't motorboat a personality
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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