even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
