remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The best revenge is premature balding
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
