seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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