There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
