Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
