my mouth tastes like poor choices
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
