he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
