well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
