I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
