no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
