I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
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