24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
