P.S. I can't hear my feet
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
we should paint friendship bongs
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
