I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
