My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
