There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
