My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
