White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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