so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize