remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
