Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
there's paper in my vomit.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
