If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
