I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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