Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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