I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
