when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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