my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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