you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
