ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
