I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
