I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
