respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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