ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
