why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
