i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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