You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
