sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
