he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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