I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
